Since the moment I figured out how to use my body to propel myself forward into time and space I've been on a quest for something. I've never really been sure what that something is, but what I have been positive about is that it is important. When I think to myself what this something is that I desire most in the world the answer that I come back to is always the same thing; Knowledge or Truth.
When I was just a little boy, around four, my mom and dad took me with them on their search for a church. I remember being so excited because they told me we were looking for a church to go to and when I asked what a 'church' was they told me, "Church is where God lives. Its His house". I got super excited about that and was very eager to learn the proper way to worship God. I loved learning the catholic ways to worship like how to cross yourself and how to bow before the cross as you walked down the aisle. I eagerly learned the Lord's Prayer even if I didn't understand what it meant.
Life was a little chaotic during those years because my dad was out to sea a lot with the Navy and my brother, who was a baby at this time, was having some health issues that I'm sure took a good toll on my mom. We were never consistent with church, but I was told that Jesus was who we worshiped when we prayed to God. I also had some idea that God was something bigger than Jesus, but no body ever really seemed to be able to put it into simple terms for me and I never really understood what it meant to be a christian, let alone a Catholic which is what my mother said we were. No matter what, though, I knew in my heart there was a God and I knew that this God was good. I did my best to keep praying and doing what I knew was pleasing in His eyes.
I learned to read quickly and I swiftly moved up in my level of reading and comprehension. When I was seven my parents began the process of divorce. I went to a lot of different elementary schools while my parents were figuring out their issues with each other while also dealing with life itself. Since I was so shy and had a face that screamed 'punch me' I spent a lot of time in the school libraries. I loved to escape into the world of books and felt that I could learn a lot about things from reading about the choices the characters would make and the consequences of their decisions. I was reading Christopher Pike, Stephen King, Ray Bradbury and Piers Anthony by fifth grade and read just about anything I could get my hands on. I was attracted to the stories that dealt with the concepts of Good verses Evil and humanity being a part of a larger battle between the two.
When I was ten or eleven my dad got into Stephen Hawking and his brilliant mind and shared that information with me. I was so excited to learn about things that existed and find answers to the new questions I seemed to have every day. I began to expand my horizons in the local public libraries and seek out information about anything I had questions about; ancient history, world history, modern history, science, religion.
By the time I reached the age of twelve life was pretty turbulent. I was now six years into the divorce of my parents and just beginning to hit puberty. I began to question everything that I was told to believe as truth because suddenly some things didn't add up. I had already figured out that the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause were just fairy tales, what about this whole Catholic thing? I really began to throw out the questions then. Why do we worship a cross and statues of saints when the Bible says not to have any graven images? If God is so loving and merciful why is there a Hell and how could he send anybody there? If God is all knowing then didn't he know that Adam and Eve would eat the apple?
All of my questions had less than satisfactory answers and seemed to be just an elaborate fairy tale. I decided to set out on a quest to find the True God, if that god even existed in the first place. It became my main drive at the age of fourteen and I spent a lot of time looking into the religions of the world. The only one I refused to consider or look into even further was Christianity. I felt that I had exhausted my resources in finding any truth in what Christians believed and so decided to pursue the other branches of spirituality that were available.
In 1996 I was in High School and finally finding my niche. I was in the theater department and was actually getting a good crop of friends. I was living with my dad who was very encouraging in my passion for theology and I was still an avid reader. During the summer before my first year of High School while I was looking up books about Ancient Egyptian history and researching the use of Magic in history I stumbled across the name Nostradamus. I had never heard of any prophets other than the ones I was told where in the Bible, but I didn't even know much about them other than they were supposed to predict the future. That led me down all sorts of interesting paths.
During those four years of high school I made the best friends I have ever had. I still know them to this day and get to talk to them on a regular basis. They were a great mix of so many facets that humanity can have and we were all young together. As we grew during those formative years we also grew into a shadow of the men would become. In this mix were Mormons, Agnostics, Catholics, and Athiests from all kinds of different cultural backgrounds. It was fantastic. We shared some amazing experiences and I feel that we all contributed a little something to each other's worldview. I believe we are all better for it, too.
By the time I was a senior I felt I had the whole God thing pretty much figured out. I had decided that paganism was the only logical way to worship. To me it made since that since there were so many religions out there and they all were very similar to each other that there had to be some kind of all encompassing consciousness that manifests as different gods based on how it wants to communicate through mankind. I felt a strong kinship with nature and so I figured that was where God was. I became a legitimate pagan and worshiped nature as my God.
When I graduated High School the world was laid open before me and I was free to do as I willed. This was a perfect recipe for paganism and I see why it is so appealing for the age of a 18-25 year old. I was free to do whatever I wanted because in Paganism there is no such thing as Good or Evil. There are just actions and then the natural consequences. Since I already felt that I wanted to live a good life and be a force for good in the world that worldview fit in real well. I had some amazing adventures and had some crazy times and through it all I still had my mind on God and wanted to be a force for whatever God was and an agent of His light, whatever that meant! I was such a confused young man.
When I was Twenty-one I was involved with a young lady that was from a very conservative christian family. She was wrestling with her own struggles concerning faith and God and what it meant to her and we had some very amazing conversations. We each challenged one another's beliefs and on my part I began to reconsider whether or not Christianity was as invalid as I had come to believe. I finally was getting a better understanding of just what exactly Jesus was supposed to be, but I wasn't exactly clear why they believed it was true.
By this time in my life I was very much into the works of Nostradamus and similar prophets concerning the future. I was also just getting into some Zecharia Stitchen theories of how the stories of the Bible and ancient Egyptian and Sumerian gods were actually stories about alien visitors to earth and their manipulation of genetics to create humanity. Somewhere in all that information I had heard of the Mayan date 2012. This would have been in late 2002 so 9/11 was still fresh in everyone's mind and there was talk of invading Iraq in the near future. I was very interested in the News Headlines because it was all a rehash of history. I found parallels in the headlines to references made in prophecies supposedly about our future. I was very interested in the events of Iran and Russia and the leaders of the countries of the middle east because it seemed we were all going to learn more about each other over the next ten years.
2012 seemed like a logical time for the culmination of what I saw in the headlines of those early 2000s. The situation with the Palestinians and the Israelis has been going on since my parents were little kids, but no body really understands or cares why they are fighting. I was fascinated by their violence and when I learned that it was God that they were ultimately arguing over I became so frustrated. It made no sense to me, but I still followed the story.
It was in late 2002 that I decided to finally read the Bible. It was the last holy text that I had on my list to read. Also, I was very interested in learning the Old Testament and finally getting a straight idea of all the stories I had been told all my life. As I read the story over the next year and a half I was totally entranced by the story. In it I found the God that I had been looking for since I was a kid. A miracle working God that destroyed anything unrighteous in His path, but also faithfully took care of those that chose to live according to His will. I still had all my questions about Hell and what Jesus had to do with any of it, but I did get a kick out of the fact that the whole book is almost a cyclical story of the Jews asking God for help, getting the help and the turning away from Him again which causes them to stumble and need saving again. Generations and centuries of this.
As I'm reading this story so, too, is the story of our modern situation playing out. I find so many reflections of core belief systems that influence modern mindsets within the Bible. When I got to the New Testament, and made it through the book of Acts, I finally understood the whole story and understood the point of salvation and sin. I literally had a moment of light as tears burst from my eyes and my mind for a brief instant saw the divine Purpose for everything. Then it was gone. I still remember it though. It was beautiful.
I became a christian soon after, but I still have those fascination about the things of my younger days. I still appreciate the beauty of nature and appreciate the spirit of paganism, but know that there is a higher way for us as spiritual creatures. I still love to hear the late night Coast to Coast conspiracies about UFOs and the End of Days. I still watch the news headlines and as we got closer to 2012 I couldn't help but wonder if there is some truth in the date. I have heard many say that it is a time that mankind will enter into a new phase of existence. I see the new ways we are connecting through the internet and through various forms of social media. I see the changes in the middle east, the Holy Lands, and the drawing in of the world to their issues with each other. Not to mention the atmosphere in American politics. Everything seems on the brink of something.
This is why I chose to do the vow of the Nazarite for the year of 2012. If there is a change happening in the world then I want to be on whatever side of that change is for the Good. I feel that God is the highest representative of Good and the fullest expression of Justice and Righteousness. Since I have been waiting for the culmination of something and the current culture seems on the verge of exploding into something new I wanted to dedicate the year to my God. The vow of the Nazarite always seemed like a cool way to connect with God and its relatively easy. I just can't drink alcohol or shave my beard. I prayed and meditated on it and made a few tiny modifications to fit in with my modern lifestyle. The nazarite is not supposed to cut his hair, but I am keeping my head shaved as an act of maintenance of the vow. Another element of the nazarite concerns graveyards and funerals. They are to stay away from them. I am praying not to be tested on that element.
I like the idea that my body will be a physical reminder of God to the people around me. Even athiests will have to consider the fact that I'm doing this for God and even if they don't believe in God and think I'm ridiculous they are at least thinking about Him. Also, every time I want a drink I can be reminded of something that I don't devote enough time to thinking about in the first place. To top it off I'm also re-reading the Bible and enjoying revisiting the stories. Its been a long road to this decision, but to me it feels right. I must admit, though, I really am looking forward to that post apocalyptic 2013 beer.
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